Having survived the festivities intact, in part due to the many useful tips and my selfless work for the Samaritans; yes I do like to give a little something back and manning the phones with my usual mix of common sense and morbid fascination for the poor unfortunates of society, gives me a feeling of satisfaction as well as some really good ammunition.
Guess what do these sad B*****ds all have to moan about. Well it would seem that on average the main gripe is about loneliness and a general inability to get a hold of someone to s**g.
I would not be the sort of person to be too familiar with this particular malaise, but that does not mean I cannot sympathize with Jane and Johnny no-mates, after all beauty as they say, is only skin deep. So what kind of advice do I offer to the Grinches? Luckily enough there is one day a year that could have been made for these poor unfortunates; a day when, without fear of ridicule, even Quasimodo himself can walk loud and proud into a card shop and buy a big, soppy, flower covered, overpriced piece of paper for the Esmeralda of his dreams.
I am talking of St Valentines Day; now nobody really knows the actual truth behind the patron saint of ugly people, but it can be safely assumed that he was, like myself, a caring humanitarian and maybe even a latterday champion of the underdog, just like myself. One thing is certain however, and that is, thanks to his legacy, the aesthetically challenged are guaranteed at least one legover a year or at least a shot at one.
The first port of call therefore, is the flower shop; all women like to receive flowers (Unless you are taking no chances, and go for a blind girl). Now the trick here is to
bite the bullet and go for a really expensive bunch, a single red rose is all well and good if you have the kind of looks to carry off such a stingy gesture, but unless you are the Milk Tray Man type, do yourself a favour and look as if you do not mind paying for a bit of the other.
Chocolates are traditionally a love token, here again, you need to go for a big flash box, a family bag of “Revels” will just not swing it, and if I might add a word of advice, hold back on handing over the chockys until you see the way things are shaping up, after all a 10 Euro box of chocolates is quite an investment and if the ice queen is not going to give out, you will need something to eat whilst waiting for your bus.
What to wear is important, try not to wander too far away from your usual mode of attire, keep in mind that you wear what you wear because you feel comfortable in it, being in a strange place, with a complete stranger, for the first time is uncomfortable enough as it is without having the point of a brand new Ben Sherman shirt collar burrowing its way into your shoulders. Avoid buying any new items of clothing as you may find yourself in some unfamiliar positions (if your luck is in) and therefore do not want to be squirming about in too much polyester, I am sure I do not need to tell you that a build-up of static electricity, could lead to some nasty scorching!
A favourite starting point for the repugnant Romeo is a darkened restaurant and this time honoured tradition of meeting the intended victim in the dark and filling them
up with alcohol as quickly as possible has worked miracles for some over the years, take for example Chris Evans and Billie Piper (although having said that, a few million pounds work just as well as a bat cave!)
At the end of the day, the path of true love never runs smooth and beauty is in the eye of the beholder; so my advice to all those seeking true love but carrying the burden of severe ugly stick abuse, remember, not all frogs turn into prince charming, but that did not stop Miss Piggy and she was a bit of a babe!