Tuesday, 7th April 2020

This Month's Magazine


A few words of invaluable advice for all lovers on St. ValentineÂ’s

As usual we kick off with a big thank you to all our readers for your valuable comments over the Christmas and New Year period. I am glad you all enjoyed and survived the festivities intact. I like to think, in part due to the many useful tips we provided and my selfless work for the Samaritans; yes I do like to give a little something back and manning the phones with my usual mix of common sense and morbid fascination for the poor unfortunates of society, gives me a cozy glow; not to mention some really good ammunition.

So what do these sad B*****ds all have to winge about? Well it would seem on average the main gripe would be loneliness and a general inability to get a hold of
someone to s**g.

I would not be the sort of person to be too familiar with this particular malaise, but that doesn’t mean I can’t sympathize with Jane and Johnny no-mates, after all beauty as they say, is only skin deep. So what kind of advice do I offer to the Grinch’s? Well, luckily enough there is one day a year that could have been made for these poor unfortunates; a day when, without fear of ridicule, even Quasimodo himself can walk loud and proud into a card shop and buy a big, soppy, flower covered, overpriced piece of paper for the Esmeralda of his dreams.

I am talking St Valentine’s Day; now nobody really knows the actual truth behind the patron saint of ugly people, but it can be safely assumed that he was, like myself, a caring humanitarian and maybe even a latterday champion of the underdog, again, like myself. One thing is certain however, and that is, thanks to his legacy, the aesthetically challenged are guaranteed at least one leg-over a year or at least a shot at one.



The first port of call therefore, is the flower shop; all women like to receive flowers (Unless you are taking no chances, and going for a blind girl). Now the trick here is to bite the bullet and go for a really expensive bunch, a single red rose is all well and good if you have the kind of looks to carry off such a stingy gesture, but unless you are the Milk Tray Man type, do yourself a favor and look as if you don’t mind paying for a bit of the other. Chocolates are traditionally a love token, here again, you
need to go for a big flash box, a family bag of Revels just isn’t going to swing it, and if I might add a word of advice, hold back on handing over the choky’s until you see the way things are shaping up, after all a 10 euro box of chocolates is quite an investment and if the ice queen isn’t going to give out, you will need something to eat whilst waiting for your bus.

What to wear is important, try not to wander too far away from your usual mode of attire, keep in mind that you wear what you wear because you feel comfortable in it, being in a strange place, with a complete stranger, for the first time is uncomfortable enough as it is without having the point of a brand new Ben Sherman shirt collar burrowing its way into your shoulders. Avoid buying any new items of clothing as you may find yourself in some unfamiliar positions (if your luck is in) and therefore don’t want to be squirming about in too much polyester, I am sure I don’t need to tell you that a build-up of static electricity, could lead to some nasty scorching!

A favourite starting point for the repugnant Romeo is a darkened restaurant and this time honoured tradition of meeting the intended victim in the dark and filling them
up with alcohol as quickly as possible has worked miracles for some over the years, take for example Chris Evens and Billie Piper (although having said, a few million
pounds works just as well as a bat cave!) At the end of the day, the path of true love never runs smooth and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so my advice to all those seeking true love but carrying the burden of severe ugly stick abuse, would be, remember, not all frogs turn into prince charming, but that didn’t stop Miss Piggy and she was a bit of a babe!

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