New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesnt work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Sex is like poker... if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: Thats a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world The woman says, Ill miss you.