It looks like summer may really be on its way after so many false starts, but can you be sure?
Well, for starters just look at the local publications packed from front to back with beautiful, tanned, slim, twenty something models gracing the pages dressed from top to toe in gorgeous summer clothes made by top fashion houses from around the world.
Does this mean that we really believe all we need to do is to take a few steps now so that in, say July, we shall emerge for summer looking just like the models portrayed? It thats the case then, first on the list should surely be a fake tan. Apparently you step into a cubicle and are sprayed all over with a tanning solution. Well lets hope the cubicle has the properties of Dr Whos Tardis for some of the unfortunate 20 something stone ladies I have seen gracing the streets this winter and that the spray equipment resembles the equipment used on protesters.
Ladies please note that the booth is not to be confused with Mr Bens changing room; you will not be coming out as something completely different, you will still be fat, but browner.
Next must surely be the hair, a golden sun streaked mass rolling provocatively down your shoulders, kept off your face by, not a hair band or even a primary hair accessory,(a scrunchy) but quite simply a pair of enormous diamante encrusted designer glasses.
Of course for this part of your makeover the key issue is hair, you must have at least a decent handful otherwise no top class hair salon will be able to help (think Elton John). This means that, with cr-p hair, best forget the glasses considering they are apparently only there to hold up the tumbling mass of hair and add one more expensive designer label somewhere. Still for a cheaper version why not see Mr Lookey man down at the port.
Moving on to the clothes, theres not much to mention here! Look at the models used in the magazines; see that bikini with matching jewel encrusted thong? Yes? Well you would not see it on you, if you know what I mean. Remember what looks good on a size 10 would not quite look the same on a size 20 plus.
What you should understand about beauty is if you are of a certain age and size and have never been a looker anyway, forget it. As beauty, if not natural, means a full time job and a very rich husband.
Mentioning husbands, why is it that all these so called beautiful women have such ugly husbands, usually fat? Oh, go on ladies! You know its true! Say it! Yes, because they are rich! But when the trophy wife can no longer stay the right size and colour and starts to look mankey, no doubt the husband will buy a newer model. Unless they have beauty and brains (the brain part to siphon off a good size pension).
I think Ill stay as I am and not as an old Bette Davies look alike but without the money