I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said. No. I
hate myself now.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, Are you comfortable?
The guy says: I make a good living.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, You know, the food here is just terrible. The other shakes her head and adds, And such small portions.
A man wakes up in the hospital. A doctor says theres good news and bad. The man says tell me the bad first. The doctor says we amputated the other leg, we will amputate the other leg tomorrow. The man grew very sad. The man says sadly after whats the good news. The doctor says see that guy over there he wants to buy your shoes.
One day a blonde and brunette were watching a soap opera on television.
On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, I bet you 5 that shes
going to jump off that bridge. The blonde agreed to the bet.
The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and the blonde handed the brunette the 5.
Then the brunette felt guilty and said, This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump. Then the blonde replied, I saw it before too, but I didnt think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks Are you reading that? I didnt know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a note. Heres that 20 I owe you, he says.