I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonks saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral; he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
I heard on the radio today that global warming is being caused by methane emissions from cows. Does this mean scientists are finally admitting global warming is bullshit?