Thursday, 28th May 2020

This Month's Magazine
And what was your new year’s resolution?

And what was your new yearÂ’s resolution?

Yes, itÂ’s that time of year again! The quality street tin is down to its last coffee cream, youÂ’ve memorized every answer in the trivial pursuit game and the only drink left in the house is a bottle of MorrisonÂ’s port. - by The Prickly Pair

Now that the massive hangovers have subsided as well as the massive feelings of guilt that encouraged you to resolve and make that list of things to give up, how
many of those spur of the moment, good intentions have actually made it this far?

I would be the first to admit that in my house the only thing with a well defined bone structure after Christmas was the turkey carcass, but that doesnÂ’t fill me with a rush and unnecessary urge to give up my few innocent little pleasures.

So why do people who thought it was a fantastic idea to eat their own bodyweight in chocolate and drink like a George Best/Oliver Reed reunion, suddenly develop a sanctimonious desire to embrace clean living? We all know well that Saturday/Sunday morning “Oh my God! How much did I drink? Never again!” feeling, in fact it is possible to feel that way a full 52 times a year. But only after the night of the biggest p**s up of the Gregorian calendar, do people actually mean it (well at least for a full 24 hours).

Another group, desperate to go trotting along the path of righteousness, are fat people. January the 1st should be made St Lettuce day, because itÂ’s the day when all manner of previously happy gluttons, take up grazing, in the misguided belief that six months of eating hippy food, will wipe out a lifetime of worship at the temple of Mc Donald.


Sex is something else that receives the New Year cold shoulder, although this is probably the shortest lived resolution of the lot; I will never be convinced that
anybody, whoÂ’s entire belief system revolves entirely around sleeping with as many different people as is humanly possible, will just give up their hobby, because of some weird, outdated, post p**s-up guilt trip.

We live in a world that is becoming increasingly PC and as a consequence increasingly boring! I am too young to have joined in the good bits back in the 60s but I am sure that I would have done and I do strongly believe that the reintroduction of copious guilt free sex, in a consequence free environment would certainly perk things up a bit!

Smoking is probably number one on the “I must stop” list. Smoking is undeniably bad for you and I wouldn’t disagree with anybody wishing to give it up, what I do disagree with however, is the timing.

Waking up on January the 1st feeling like s**t, is no time to suddenly give up a whole host of little habits all in one go. You stand a far greater chance of success
by doing these things slowly and without some non smoking, clean living, and sanctimonious git preaching away on St Hangovers Day.

Getting more exercise also is a phrase you will hear at some point early on, during practically every New Years Eve party in the universe. The way to treat this one is with the contempt it deserves; this much hackneyed piece of nonsense will usually be bandied about by the person least likely to get more or indeed any exercise at all in the whole room. The people advocating more exercise are also the same people doing the “giving up sex” thing, so I will leave you to try and work that one out. Exercise and especially the kind to be found at gymnasiums, is the work of the devil and should be avoided at all costs; instead there are people out there who not only volunteer to put themselves through self inflicted purgatory, but actually seem to enjoy it! Still it takes all sorts to make a world, as they say, and who am I to pass judgement on a bunch of masochists.

For myself, last year has been a bit of a b**tard at times, but I managed to end on a high and not being one to wallow for too long in the mire of despair I find myself looking forward to the new year with a feeling of optimism; so let me leave you with a couple of valuable thoughts I picked up along the way. Firstly, donÂ’t give up anything that you enjoy and feels right for you, regardless of outside pressure. Always keep in mind that life is the real thing (you donÂ’t get a trial run) and finally, if you find during the course of the year someone special, remember the odds of doing so are usually stacked against you, count yourself lucky and treat that person accordingly.

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