The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed. The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?
Man making love to a 30 stone woman. He says Can we have the light switched off? She said Why? Do you find me repulsive? He said No .its burning my bum.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Daily Mail (London) traced the family's proud Anglo ancestry of stable families back hundreds of years. The Nazi war machine couldn't break the British, but the modern welfare state has.
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep.
Have you ever wondered why Tarzan never has a beard?
Why do they always use sterilised needles when giving lethal injections?