Tuesday, 7th April 2020

This Month's Magazine


Well what I really mean is ValentineÂ’s Day love.

You know the one where as long as their ignorant, useless, uncaring, selfish pig of a partner buys them some cheap flowers or silver plated jewelry, the sort that will give them a nasty rash just as quick as Valentine’s lasts – or a meal in a posh restaurant.

He or she is forgiven for being his normal self 364 days of the year – aah ain’t love grand? – Ha and by the way what about the
wives who decide to do something nice one day a year, you know, cook a nice romantic meal, candles and all, oh come on please, you should cook a decent meal every day, or is that just me? Ha and for his extra treat you wear some sexy undies!

Well ladies, thatÂ’s not a treat to be done once a year, itÂ’s your duty or am I just being old fashioned.


Read in a mag, ‘Tips to spice up your sex life’.

  1. Show affection throughout the day – you know give hugs, gentle words ect. Well if my other half did that one day of the year I would be very suspicious.
  2. Using different places in the house, you know, to do ‘it’. Examples: on the washing machine or the kitchen counter- well we know that won’t work, show me a man that knows where the washing machine is. You would have to play I Spy using the letter ‘W’ as foreplay first so he can find the right spot and that’s only the spot you keep said washing machine.
  3. What about surprising your partner with a sexy dance. Well I donÂ’t know about you Ladies, but I donÂ’t think my husband pole dancing would do it for me. Especially not the thong!! You know I am right, any doubts then just look over at him now and imagine it, see, I told you.
  4. Next dress up.
  5. Get fit.
  6. Keep it new – wondered about this one then realized they meant out with comfy clothing at home and always look good. The list goes on.
  7. Ha, Not forgetting the list of things suggested for eating your way to sex including figs, celery, bananas WHAT ? What about if I swing in on a tree, develop a big red bum, pick my nose and occasionally eat my own poo? Would you then fancy sex with me? Only maybe if you were another monkey.

So if I thought I had to eat like a primate, wear fancy dress, is that a chimp suit? Mate anywhere, put on some kind of a mating dance, run up and down a pole and be affectionate – maybe. Or pick out fleas off of said partner and eat them like something out of Gorillas in the mist, Valentine’s would be great.

Well excuse me, if I had to go through all that he can F*** himself, literally, and I mean that in a loving way.

Web Express Guide - Andalucia
Business Guide Costa del Sol, Printed Magazine & Directory Costa del Sol, 29692
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