A Missouri farmer drove to a neighbour's in his pickup and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door:
"Is your Dad home?" "No sir, he ain't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
The reason they bury politicians 26 feet under is because deep down they're nice guys.
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.
A man walks into a bar and he says ... Ow.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes ballistic, "How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."