I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
A recent medical survey has concluded that:
- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
THESE ARE GENUINE CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS:
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
- Its the dog mess I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
- My lavatory is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
- I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me!
- Our kitchen floor is damp; we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man of top of me every night.
- Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but I still get no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can't get bbc2.