Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didnt report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags!
Where are you going? demands the surprised husband.
To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
What do you think you are doing? she screamed.
Im going to Las Vegas with you I want to see how youre going to live on $1,000 a year!
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?
Yes, she cooed, kissing him lightly, She told me everything.
Good, said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, because Ive forgotten.
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, Take that sheep to the zoo, now.Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again. The policeman stops the guy and says, What on earth are you doing with that sheep?The guy says, What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now Im taking him to the movies.
Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
At the police station they asked him, Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this? He said, No, it all happened so fast.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."