Thursday, 19th September 2019
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This Month's Magazine
Outbreak of

Outbreak of "Swine Fever" in the House of Commons

“More reported cases of swine fever, about 87” state the Prickly Pair.

This must be the recent catch by M.P.s (so far) who have spent years with their greedy snouts in the trough, thus the name “Swine Fever”. Now wait for the next epidemics “Fat Cat Fever” followed by “Lying Rat Fever”.

I have read that Esther Rantzen is planning to stand against a labour M.P. who is claimed to have stolen taxpayers money to cure dry rot; apparently she claimed some ÂŁ22,500 which, had it been spent to clear the rot in the House of Commons, would have been money well spent. But Miss Rantzen, I ask you, with those teeth, she looks as if she already has Rat Fever.

And what about snowy head Jack <Spratt> Straw? Clearly, as the nursery rhyme claims, has “licked the platter clean,” no wonder he tried to block an enquiry into M.P.s expenses. May be I should try to stop the Inland Revenue from “snooping into my affairs!”

Then we have former party Chairman Ian McCartney claiming for champagne flutes and then insisted he had to hold a meeting at his home and feed people. So whatÂ’s wrong with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken individual boxes which include beans and a coke in its own cup? Oh No! Instead he claimed for an 18 piece dinner set and champagne flutes. ItÂ’s probably because he was titled party Chairman that he innocently felt he had to entertain at his home. Well it is a bit like a party!

The same goes for Mr & Mrs Balls claiming four times the amount of a mortgage interest and then blame a mistake on form filling. IsnÂ’t it amazing? Most M.P.s went to Public Schools and are in charge of running the Country, yet so many made mistakes or did not understand! What a load of Bull! Wait while I check my birth certificate to see if I was born yesterday.


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What I find even more astounding is the public’s surprise. I assumed years ago that most M.-P.s were sucking up taxpayers’ money more efficiently than a “Dyson” and now they only regret they have been caught. They are only trying to pay back stolen money because they have been caught after so many years.

On another page of a popular newspaper, it is reported that Councils are recruiting an army of snoopers, some as young as seven, to snoop and report on such things as litter louts, noisy neighbours, wrong bin and wrong day rubbish offenders. Some have even been given hand held computers equipped with global positioning devices and are advised to photograph wrong doers without being seen. Could these mini spies also follow M.P.s committing fraud, stealing from hard working taxpayers, follow them on jolly jaunts abroad for no reason other than a holiday while pretending itÂ’s business or trips back and forth to IKEA or pretending to need champagne flutes, which is such an obvious lie as most M.P.s could never fit their big, fat, swollen snouts into a champagne flute? And do greedy pigs really eat off 18 piece suite dinner services? I think not.

Well at least this is would seem to be the only thing that has united all political parties while banging on about the environment and recycling. Well, they have certainly improved their own environment with Spas, wide screen televisions, new kitchens and the rest. Perhaps for plastic recycling they meant re-using credit cards time and time again.

I read today that even the Queen has told the Prime Minister she is deeply troubled by the expenses scandal. I bet she is! This is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. When I mentioned the sucking power of the “Dyson”, well, she and her family are like the mother of Dysons, a sort of “mother suckers”. Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind springs to mind.

But to me it seems like a nice job, if you can get it; I must go and post my C.V. to the Commons.

Till next month



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