Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over.
There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I knew a girl so ugly...they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging in my garden, naked.
I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.