An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
Q: What is the definition of a hangover?
A: The wrath of grapes.
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"
She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
At Christmas we always exchange presents. I exchange the one she gives me, she exchanges the one I give her.
This year, if Santa comes into town after midnight and it's jingle bells all the way, he'd probably be arrested, because ours is a "Low Noise Zone" after 11pm.
A young man at a New Years party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.'I thought you made a New Years resolution to quit
smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?' 'I've quit buying!'
YES, ITS TRUE!