Tuesday, 19th November 2019
FUN, HUMOUR & FORTUNE TELLING Article
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This Month's Magazine
You are what you eat (fat pig)!

You are what you eat (fat pig)!

The Prickly Pair comment on the healthiest food free diets.

As reported recently in the press, the advice given is “no bacon, salami and ham (pork), no alcohol, stay in and do housework to get fit. Say yes more often to your partners sexual demands and fast one day a month because it’s is good for you.”

I know! Why don’t they tell us all to become Muslims? Who writes this crap? Is it Bin Laden?
 
If housework is so healthy, why are most cleaning ladies fat and with bad teeth? If pork is so fattening and bad and for us, how come there are so many fat Muslims?

As for alcohol, it is reported that being pregnant and drinking alcohol is also bad thing for you; forgetting that that is it were not for alcohol many pregnancies would not occur in the first place, as most babies these days are probably conceived on a Friday night after copious amounts of booze and five minutes round the back of a seedy night club. So I suggest that, before childless couples embark on lengthy and costly I.V.F. treatments, perhaps first they could try getting completely pi…ed and have a quickie behind some seedy nightclub on a Friday night. May be call it I.V.F.F.F. (In a Vodka Filled Fornication Frenzy).

What about those work-outs, obviously written by a man? Apparently two hours of dusting and cleaning or 82 minutes of vacuuming and dusting equal to burning off 400 calories.  As these activities are done mostly by women, it’s no of surprise then, although I have often seen my husband burn off more than that doing up his shoes and shaking the “Daddies” sauce on his bacon sandwich.

Then we have the E-Numbers food companies who use kiddies’ favourite characters, including Dora the Explorer, Dr Who and Spongebob Squarepants, to sell products to our little darlings masquerading them as Birthday Cake picture toppings. These have been identified as causing hyperactive behaviour in children. On second thoughts, why the hell do we want to ban them? May be hyperactivity could continue well through their teenage years and perhaps then they could find the energy to get out of bed before midday and look for a job instead of staring blankly into their mobile phones waiting for their equally blank friends to text them 24 hours a day or hanging around shopping centres, like hooded zombies chilling out.


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So yes, bring on the E-Numbers! Although it is claimed that these same E-Numbers are damaging children’s psychological health, yet I would have thought that watching Dr Who and Spongebob Squarepants for any amount of time could probably cause just as much psychological damage.

It would seem that some overpaid and probably overweight desk bound academic researcher Tw.t has noticed that, while health clubs and gyms have increased in numbers, we are still increasing in size and decreasing in fitness and stating that the reason for this is that they seem to be attracting wealthier people (probably women) because gyms promote keeping in shape for image reasons and not fitness. I would agree with the last remark, wealthy women do need to look good to keep their normally rich husbands happy, letting themselves go would mean being replaced before they could say “Jack Spratt”. Let’s face it, your normal, lazy, fat slob of a woman sitting at home on benefits and popping out babies every 9 months doesn’t have to try too hard, does she? Her husband is normally just as fat, lazy, useless and slobby as she is and, seeing it’s her that claims everything going, from nappies to stretch mark cream, he’s on a winner and going no where.

Mind you, after all this research on food, E-Numbers, etc. I am in the mood to go on a diet and I will at least try to eat my 5 fruits a day. So from Monday I shall be trying:

  • Terry’s chocolate orange
  • Rum & raisins ice cream
  • Banana Split
  • Peach Schnapps
  • Slice of fruit cake

I don’t know how long this health fad will last but I bet it will be longer than the slim fast diet c,,p diet.

Oh! My last bit of advice today is that I think the best thing you can do is to stop reading newspaper articles about health; bearing in mind the care homes starving old people and the hospitals killing them with super bugs, they are written by some overpaid government department set up just to give a fat income to so called governments think-tanks, when really they don’t give a toss about public health but only their own health and wealth. It normally means not staying in England when their game is up. So enjoy Christmas, stuff yourself silly and also eat well!



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