These are a collection of actual claim form answers made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown, Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
The Quiz Who am I?
Name this person and WIN a meal for 2 (Value 50) at Restaurante El Barlovento, now moved to Hotel Las Camelias, in Torreguadiaro, at entrance to Puerto Sotogrande. Fax: 952 893 146 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org by 5th november 2006. The first correct answer to be drawn will be the winner.
I was born in Scotland in 1947 and became one half of a cabaret act in the 70s.
The other half of the act is my husband Ian. Together we enjoyed considerable success throughout the 70s and into the early 80s. Our speciality is childrens entertainment and until quite recently we were regular pantomime stars. However, in 2004 I was injured during a performance of Jack and the Beanstalk and as a result have been in semi retirement since. My most memorable performances are as a cheeky schoolboy
WHO AM I?
Last months answer: Maurits Cornelis Esher
Last months winner: Stefan Bakker