Wednesday, 1st April 2020

This Month's Magazine
Dear Prickly Pair

Dear Prickly Pair

As promised this month we are throwing a lifeline to some of our readers, who happen to find themselves on the troubled waters of life just tossing desperately. But first a big thanks yet again to all of those who found time to write in.

Last months article on Karaoke brought forth a positive Tsunami of response. Pete from Duquesa... very kindly offered to help me achieve the perfect Tina Turner pose. Whilst Sandra from Sotogrande... has an interesting suggestion for storing my microphone. Please keep all your lovely letters coming in.

Being catty
Dear prickly pair,
Last year my husband had an accident which has left him confined to a wheelchair as a consequence he now spends a lot of time in the house alone. Feeling sorry for him, I brought a kitten to keep him company. It’s now a year later and I have never regretted anything more in my life! He has named the cat Steven and aside from the obvious embarrassing connotations of having to listen to him begging Steven to sit on his lap in front of friends and family, there is in the back of my mind the fear that he has become just a little too fond of Steven. I am not a jealous woman but I am beginning to feel a little left out, please help.
Mary... Estepona.

P P says...
Dear Mary
You failed to tell us whether your husband’s accident has left him paralyzed from the waist down? If this is the case then even the most alluring pussy will be unlikely to occasion any kind of untoward behaviour. Try to stop letting your imagination run away with you although it may be a little healthier if you suggest maybe renaming the cat Pickles or tibby

Hung like a horse.
Dear prickly pair,
My wife recently lost her much beloved horse; they had many happy years together
And No one could have grieved more for my wife’s sad loss; however, what has happened since the tragic demise of “Sampson” defies belief.
I am living in some kind of macabre nightmare, on the night that “Sampson” died my wife was understandably very upset, I gave her my full support as any loving husband would. However, after the initial shock I was rather hoping things would get back to normal , imagine my horror therefore when returning from work I find my wife has decapitated “Sampson” with ,she says, the intention of having his head stuffed to hang above the bed. God knows I am an understanding guy but this has got to be wrong.
Tracking down a taxidermist is proving to be more of a challenge then my wife thought it would, so in the meantime “Sampson’s” head is in our freezer.
Please help, I am a good many years older than my wife, so you can imagine what kind of fears this is conjuring-up for me. 
Terrified... Malaga.

P P says...
It’s a shame you didn’t supply your real name, because referring to you as mr terrified somehow gives a slight comedy angle, to what is after all, no laughing matter.
Your wife is a very sick woman I can say that with total conviction, because no sane woman would ever hang her dead horses head over the bed, the dinning room is the only place where you would get away with it. My advice to you is, get your wife a copy of “Country living” as soon as possible.  



Big jugs
Dear prickly pair,
Mine is not so much a problem as more of a question.
I have been left a pair of large jugs in my grandmothers will; they date from the Victorian era and are very ornate in the typical Victorian style. I live in a very modern warehouse conversion and try as I might am having trouble finding a suitable position in my home for them, they are of no value according to the auction house I spoke to.
Part of me wants to show off my jugs, but they are really quite offensive to the eye.
How can I resolve this problem?
Tanya... Marbella

P P.says...
Dear Tanya,
How can I put this? You are obviously a bit of an insensitive cow. the fact that you have already had the vultures from the auction house around to value your poor old granny’s legacy shows that you have a cold side to your nature, I personally couldn’t bare the thought of a bunch of strangers handling my old girls jugs. My advice to you is to consider what they meant to your family; maybe they were even a wedding present all those years ago? In which case, your grandfather would have had many years of pleasure from your granny’s old jugs as well. Stop looking on the negative side; after all there is always a place for a pair of mature jugs, so just stand them proudly erect and close together as a constant reminder of all the years of pleasure your granny had playing with her big old jugs!

Good for nothing
Dear prickly pair,
I have been married to my husband Vincent for many years now and although he has never been an easy person to live with, we have had a good relationship. However, he has become increasingly critical over the years, it has now reached a point where every thing I do is wrong. He criticises the way I drive, clean the house, bring up the children, cook or even the way I dress. I love my husband but this non-stop criticism is driving a wedge between us please help.
Debbie... England.

P P says...  
Dear Debbie,
It took me some time to sift through your letter because your hand writing is terrible, I am surprised it even arrived at the office at all considering you copied the address wrong, the stamp was stuck on upside down and by the way your grammar is an absolute joke. It should be your husband writing to us he is obviously the one with the problem, YOU! If he is criticising you it is because you are useless. My advice to you is to pull your socks up or you will lose that saint of a man.

Nip in the bud
Dear prickly pair,
I have a neighbor who is a very good friend; however, she is always borrowing things and failing to return them. At first it was easy to just mention that she may have kept hold of the borrowed item a little longer then was necessary but as time goes by it becomes harder to keep chasing her up. How do I retrieve my goods, without offending her?
Anne... Gibraltar.

P P says...
Dear Anne,
You have let this go on far too long; one day it’s an egg whisk, the next thing you know she will be jumping into bed with your husband!

Next month:
The prickly pair will be hanging out their stockings and, like Cinderella, getting to grips with all the big balls.

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