Sunday, 19th November 2017
THE PRICKLY PAIR Article
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This Month's Magazine
Don't give up your day job!

Don't give up your day job!

As always a big thank you to those of you who found time to send us your much valued comments, especially Meredith and Simon. We are truly chastened and promise in future to never refer to IT workers as boring. Also it has been mentioned that the language we use in our column can be a little saucy, although, in our defence, we are careful to use a row of little stars for the more profane language. So ever mindful of our more sensitive readers, we will try to tone it down a bit, after all you are all little stars to us!

Now if you work in a f****** boring job like IT, the chances are you have some form of outlet for the inevitable frustration, built up spending all day with only your little square headed friend for company.

So, Friday night has come around again. Just how do the normal and not so normal Brits in Spain let off steam? Eating out is very popular, but lets face it, unless you are old or trying to get into someone’s pants or an IT worker, just eating out is not really the end of the week, kicking up your heels, letting down your hair kind of Tomfoolery that many of us need after a week’s hard drinking, sorry, hard work.

Well lets explore the other options, the cinema was once the place to go for your end of working week treat, but that was back in the days when the films had a basic storyline, the young couple consummating their 24hr old relationship had the decency to sit at the back and a bucketful of popcorn didn’t cost as much as a Saville row suit.

Most of the bars in Spain offer some form of entertainment at the weekend; at the top end of the market, you get a nice comfy seat in a clean, friendly, air-conditioned bar, where you can watch a professional singer and spend a nice relaxed evening. Now I don’t need to go over old ground yet again (do I Simon?) but this kind of venue may not be enough to entertain the more Charlotte Church or Noel Gallagher amongst us. So lets slide right down to the earthier a*** end of the entertainment league and there it is, “Karaoke”, still as popular as ever, despite being around nearly 20 years.

The question therefore has to be: “what makes standing up in front of a group of complete strangers, making a right ***t of yourself so popular?” Well believe it or not, I am in a unique position to answer that question, being as I am a bit of a Karaoke queen myself, don’t get me wrong I am not your run of the mill, usual drunken squawking old tart. Oh no! I am a drunken old tart of a different kind.


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Being blessed, as I am, with a voice like a much younger, much sexier Shirley Bassey, it gives me a real buzz to know how much pleasure I am bringing into the lives of my many, slightly jealous admirers.
Being magnanimous by nature and slightly soft-hearted, I do feel a great sense of camaraderie towards my fellow karaoke performers, in spite of the fact that I outshine them, like a right star.

If you have never been to a Karaoke night, but find yourself curious, then by all means go along. But, if at any stage, or having reached the required level of intoxication, you find yourself strangely drawn to the microphone like a moth to a flame, then there are a few rules the Karaoke virgin should adhere to.

FROM AN OLD HAND

  • Rule number 1, never attempt a full Tina Turner, unless like the great lady herself, you can stand with legs wide enough apart to drive a smart car through them.
  • Rule number 2, nobody likes to hear Old Shep or Seasons in the sun whilst on a jolly piss up.
  • Rule number 3, don’t attempt Big Spender unless you do have lungs like barrage balloons
  • And finally, if at any time a stunning blond, with a fantastic figure and a voice like a chocolate covered angel gets up on stage, you might as well go home, because it will be me and it breaks my heart every time I see that haunted, far away, almost murderous look in the eyes of strangers.
    It’s just another cross I have to bear; thank God I haven’t let it make me vain and shallow!
     
        

NEXT MONTH
The prickly pair show their more sensitive side. Due to our commonsense approach to life, we have been asked by our adoring fans to provide an agony column, so please feel free to write in with all your little dramas, safe in the knowledge that we will be gentle in handling your painful private bits.



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