What do you call an intelligent, sensitive, and good looking man?
A man goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the store manager, Is this stuff good for beetles?" The manager replies, NO, it'll kill 'em"!
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancée' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.
"Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bungee jumping? He scared the hell out of the dog.
YES IT IS TRUE!