Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, and he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
"Bill, what kind of a guy do you think I am. That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she was almost bald; her nose was long, thin and crooked; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat chested; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs".
Bill answered: "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."
Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."
Johnny, on his deathbed requested his wife: When I am no more, please marry Watson, I implore you.
Wife: That Watson? But you have always hated him from your heart.
Johnny: I still do. And fell dead.
An old woman says to her friend: You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.
Her friend: Do you remember if your teeth chattered?
The old woman: I dont think so. We havent slept together for ages.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
When do you know u r in love?
Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan
Q: How long does Lionel Richie sit on the toilet?
A: All Night Long.
My colleague Mary went to the doctor complaining of severe pain in the stomach.
The doctor told her it was 'just wind'.
"Just wind?" reacted Mary, "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"